I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
