it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
i came on her dog
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
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