I just threw up on my dentist
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize