There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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