I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
