i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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