You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
