I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
