She went from zero to smokin in five shots
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
