You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
