I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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