K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
