I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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