she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
