Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Sober January is a disaster.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
