I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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