god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
