I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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