I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
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I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
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I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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