I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Randomize
