alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
high people should be assigned attendants
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Randomize
