We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
