Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
