we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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