He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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