It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
