i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
