I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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