the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Is it penis luge time yet?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
