Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
