Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
