Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Randomize