I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
