You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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