his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
