wakey wakey hands off snakey
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
