this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize