Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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