this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
