just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize