I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
