dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
