her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
