Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Just high enough for therapy.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
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