Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
