If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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