Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
