In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
