Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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