So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
