I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
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