1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize