I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
