You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize